'Easter Egg' by Andy Cashmore

‘…and Kyle is a great guy and a half-decent actor to boot. We’d get up to all kinds of crazy stuff on set - oh wait, just quickly here’s a great scene where he’s just told Curtis, my character, the whole shabang and look how angry, how tight his face is. That’s because this scene took us a whole afternoon. We kept on cracking up whenever he walked in shot because on the first take the tree tree there fell over and tripped Kyle up. We took a ten minute break so they could clean his make up off the floor. But every time Kyle walked on set he would hesitate around the tree and the team would burst into laughter. It was funny the first few times but the director, our lord and saviour Mr Bergerac, got mad. Then when we tried to do the shoot properly the bloody tree kept falling down. And if it wasn’t the tree it was the stop sign, even the gas pump somehow fell over. Now this was my first major shoot, but I was certain things weren’t supposed to fall over. So after about twenty takes where we only get as far as the second line - a quick pause for Susie kicking that guy in the crotch, that still makes me cross my legs - but yeah we’d get as far as line two, so I say to the director maybe we need a set that doesn’t fall asleep to the script. Bergerac lost it; it was the worst moment of my career. He yelled at me for thirty minutes. Kyle was shaking his head and people were telling him to calm down. He made all these threats like he’s going to fire me but we’d already filmed so much it’d cost more than he could afford to refilm. So we get back to filming and pieces of the set keep falling down and after three hours Kyle is pissed. You could call it method acting, but I really admire how he turned his frustration into his art. Speaking of turning frustration into art, in this scene if you look in the curtain, while me and the lovely Susie are lustily staring at one another, you’ll see Bergerac shagging a runner. That’s my favourite Easter Egg. What? Don’t stop recording, you told me to talk about my experiences, say interesting things, I’m sure everyone will want to know. Mrs Bergerac can use this as evidence in her custody battle. I said don’t stop. This was meant to be my big break and that bastard Bergerac ruined it. Fine, I’ll talk about the film. It’s not as if you have the money to redo this commentary. Anyway, why was I talking about this? That’s it, Kyle’s great acting and his hilarious antics off camera. Yeah we’d get up to all kinds of crazy things. One night after filming we went to find Bergerac’s car…’

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